SCENE: OUTSIDE A PUB

IN ROGER REAVES

REAVES: Stone the rows! I like this!  The boss drags me

Half across Dartmoor,  in search of (says he)

People who’re destroying Ancient Monuments

And here he sits drinking at the Government’s expense.

Just now he was so plastered back there in the pub

He gave the startled barmaid’s ‘pillow-mounds’ a rub,

Called her his darling ‘mill-site’,  his lush little ‘lynchet’,

Cried ‘Bottom’s a field-name’ as he tried to pinch it.

And then he has the nerve, when she avoids his paws,

To bring me up short with ‘Roger! Time – we were outdoors!

Go get your boots on while I plot our route!’

Listen! That’s him coming, pissed as a newt.

IN TINTIN MILLS FROM THE PUB, SINGING

MILLS: O to be an archaeologist!

O to wander in the alcoholic mist!

REAVES: Visibility, Tintin,  is – I would say – poor!

Is it quite the day for field-work on the Moor?

MILLS: I know the Moor backwards.

REAVES: (Aside)  I think I know why.

MILLS: This compass will show us where the points lie.

Take the map, then, Roger,  and let’s be on our way.

I mean to come up with a big find today –

Cairn, cist or barrow about to be ploughed.

I’ll schedule it at once,  that I’ll be vowed!

REAVES: (Aside) So the farmer can’t touch it,  he means. He’s one of those.

MILLS: That’s it exactly.  Now, Roger, on your toes!

Look where you’re going,  isn’t that a barrow?

REAVES: No. It’s the burial mound of an old farm harrow.

MILLS: Show me the map. So, what’s our position?

REAVES: It’s difficult to say with any great precision.

MILLS: Nonsense. I know the place. Make for that boulder.

THEY MOVE TO THE HIGHER LEVEL

SCENE: THE MOOR

REAVES: Are you sure you know it?  Brr! It’s growing colder.

MILLS: Cold is a sensation I don’t experience

While in hot pursuit of Ancient Monuments.

REAVES: I do believe your nose is glowing very red.

MILLS: I’m hot on the trail as I’ve just said.

REAVES: I think we’re lost, as far as I can see.

MILLS: Follow that reave there and put your faith in me.

Reaves run parallel for miles in one direction.

REAVES: Yes, but which one? That’s my question.

MILLS: Good. Very good. SW/NE on Corndon,

SE/NW on Blackslade, and also on Dunstone.

REAVES: Well, where are we then?  Since I rather fear

We embarked from a pub that none of those is near.

MILLS:  Now you have really put me to the test!

Compass to the rescue – there you are: E/W.

REAVES:  Which zone does that make it?  I’d like to know.

You haven’t mentioned anywhere reaves run so.

MILLS: I must confess I haven’t. Whoops! What’s this?

A mineshaft!

REAVES: It’s giving way!

MILLS: Into the abyss..!

REAVES AND MILLS TUMBLE DOWN AN OLD MINE SHAFT WHICH HAS NOW BECOME A BADGER SETT